How a Disagreement Changes Your Relationship Perspective
In a loving relationship, you will complement each other, show love and share affection. In many relationships there are times when we fight, disagree and argue. As the argument unfolds, we quickly forget the times when our partner showed there appreciation for us and focus solely on the negative dispute.
Judith E. Glaser said “When we face criticism, rejection or fear, when we feel marginalized or minimized, our bodies produce higher levels of cortisol, a hormone that shuts down the thinking center of our brains and activates conflict aversion and protection behaviours”
During a fight, especially when our spouse is blaming us, we become more sensitive and often perceive a worst meaning for what is being said. The more we think and reflect on this negativity, the stronger the emotional impact has on us, often causing lasting effects.
Our mind creates emotional frames of reference. If an emotional argument, fuelled by cortisol, is replayed over and over in the receivers mind, the negative emotion, often anger, can be associated to the stimulus – your partner. This can become a negative cycle where seeing your partner creates the associated negative response, which starts a new argument – creating a stronger frame of reference.
Judith also states that “Positive comments and conversations produce a chemical reaction too. They spur the production of oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that elevates our ability to communicate, collaborate and trust others by activating networks in our prefrontal cortex”
To avoid long lasting emotional arguments that can have lasting effects on your relationships you can use several of these relationship coaching tips.
- Listen to your partner and ask “what can I do to make you feel better?” Often when a partner, maybe due to tiredness or workplace stress, starts a verbal fight, we automatically turn defensive which leads to a cortisol fueled argument. Instead listen fully to their complaint and ask how you can help to resolve it
- Have an open, not fixed opinion. In arguments, whist defending ourselves, we create a fixed opinion and stick to this. Two strong opinions can only cause friction and lead to an emotional argument. Instead be open and flexible, think about situations from your partners point of view, challenge your own beliefs and step back and look at events from a different perspective
- Look for early signs. It is easy to tell when your partner looks stressed, tiered or emotionally low, use these early signs as a signal for you to step up and take control. Talk to you partner and offer support, maybe they want to discuss their problems, maybe you could offer to walk the dog, cook the tea or run a bath for them, for others they may need peace and quiet – you could sit in a different room, or even nip out for a bunch of flowers or a bottle of beer, maybe you could take your partner out for a meal or visit to the cinema. The key here is to make an effort to support your partner.
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Chris Delaney NLP Life Coach, Hypnotherapist and Career Advisor is available for booking for One to One Private Sessions, Group Training Sessions and Public Speaking Events
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